I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
