I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Still dying that you shit outside
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I need to calm my uterus...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
