She announced her abortion via fbk
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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