you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
