After last night, I could never be a politician.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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