you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
