I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
