I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my shit smells like andre
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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