I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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