thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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