nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
