so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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