i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
