I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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