My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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