I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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