It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize