..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
