i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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