If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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