her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think people are normalizing furries
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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