He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
