i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize