It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
