Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
