we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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