Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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