Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
