Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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