I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
