I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Randomize
