I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
