The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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