I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
