just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
