yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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