A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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