May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
