My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
