I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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