I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
