Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
