Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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