I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
