; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
