Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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