Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
