I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
