You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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