i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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