umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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