So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
