I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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