Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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