Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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