You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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