Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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