ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
