Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Ketchup is God's man juice
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
