God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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