I wish I could teleport
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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