Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
