then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
