Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
