I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
