I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
