hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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