we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
