Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize